So You’ve Cried for the First Time

The deep dark void where your heart should be (but is not) felt a tad heavier than usual. Then, your face felt wet. Could this be blood? You probably thought to yourself. Peering into the nearest reflective surface you saw your eyes leaking a clear fluid. You’ve read about this stuff in books and quirky internet articles because you’re one literate cookie. This liquid is tears, but what does it mean? Who even are you anymore? Let Bad Words help you understand what you need to know.

Are you still crying?

If your reading this on your phone or laptop, know that tears and technology tend to disagree; you might want to put down your phone or mop up your computer. If you’re having a tough time stopping the tears, try pretending that you’re Matthew McConaughey. He’s never upset about anything! Even though he should be eternally ashamed about his role in Fool’s Gold.

Analyze the cause

What happened before you started crying? A disagreement with a loved one, a disappointing grade on an assignment, an authoritarian tyrant elected to the presidency, accidentally pouring a bottle of table salt into your left eye are all typical causes for a crying spell. Know that you are not the first person to be upset over something like this. Your life will move forward, and you will find happiness.

Never Cry Again

It’s completely natural to cry on occasion, but crying takes time and energy that you don’t have. You have a life to live, gosh darn it! Since you’ve analyzed the cause, you know what made you cry. Now avoid avoid avoid that cause! Burn bridges with that loved one, drop out of school, write to your congressmen and administration, and gouge out your left eye respectively*. On the off chance that a different situation arises, and you think you might cry, try verbally insulting strange-looking, non-human animals. Tear them down to make yourself feel strong again. Don’t put yourself in harm’s way to do it though. Harm’s way definitely leads to more tears.


*Disclaimer: Stay in school, kids. Only gouge out your left eye if your doctor recommends it. Definitely get involved in peaceful political activism if you want your voice heard. Your concerns matter.


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